I had a realization this past year that could have or maybe still will lead to some possible health complications. I’m assuming since nothing has happened, it probably won’t. Thank you, Jesus! My hope in sharing this little bit of “wow” is to remind you to pay attention to the smallest of details– especially the ones in fine print without pictures.
It was any ol’ day for me except for the fact that I had a doctor’s appointment. You know the one exam a year that sucks every molecule of dignity from you, but you get to keep your socks on! Yeah, that one! My appointment began like all do, with the usual and customary question and answer session with the nurse. We ran through the suicide prevention protocol, my med list, symptoms, past surgeries, etc. until we finally reach the gown lingo. You know when you hear the words, “you can get undressed from the waist down” and “it ties in the back”, things are about to get REAL! I don’t know about you but I never quite know where I’m supposed to sit after I have my beautiful hospital ball gown on. Do I sit on the chair with a back and try to look cool and put together with my ties tied in the back and my butt UNexposed and prance to the examination table when the doctor comes in OR do I opt for the end of the examination table right off the bat and get all my ball gown tucks in on both sides and all around? Heaven forbid, the doctor see my butt quacker!
I’m going to digress here for a second and ask a question. Have you ever thought about why in the world it’s still called an examination TABLE? Of all things people get offended from these days and this name still remains. Psssht! Ok, lets get back to the story.
As I prepare for the worst, the doctor arrives and we have our meet and greet. He reviews what the nurse has written down and begins the examination with “now lets take a LOOK, ok, scoot down…GOOD…now scoot a little MORE and RELAX!” Are you serious? Relax? Really? I’d love to meet a woman who can relax while her giblets are hanging out for all to see! In addition, I swear I just scooted down like a good yard and yet another scoot is in order? Uhg! As I distract myself from what was going on, I hear a little commotion at the door and a very handsome man walks in. “Oh, do you mind if a med student observes your exam?” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! I began to have a internal psychotic episode. However, by the time I collected my thoughts the handsome med student had already been in the room long enough to see all my exposed goods. “Um….ah…..as my feet are flanked up in the lovely flower-pattern, hand-crafted, pot-holder-decorated stir-ups, I muffle a hesitant, “oooK”. I try to calmly grasp what is transpiring, but lo and behold there’s a knock at the door. A head peeks in and says, “Doctor, the lab work you have been waiting for has arrived.” I’m thinking, LORD HAVE MERCY! What is this, a staff meeting? I quickly try to analyse the situation and I come to the conclusion that Ms. Peaks-her-head-in couldn’t have seen much according to my calculation of the angle.
As the situation was coming to a close and the handsome transcriptionist finishes the staff minutes, I begin to breathe again in full breaths. The end was in sight. Ha! I have never been more excited to be alone in an exam room in all my life. The doctor finishes up and we come to a consensus about the well being of my nursery (uterus) and playground (VaJayJay). Finally, the medical entourage leaves my room. This is where it should end, right? All I have left to do is to get dressed, open the door and commence or possibly sprint awkwardly past the doctor and nurses station, toward the exit. Wrong! Little did I know what I was about to do next would not come to coherence until months later.
Now, since I am the writer of this story, I get to use my power to keep you in suspense. Ha! Hang tight and stay tuned for the rest of this story coming soon.
Keep your heads held high and your privates covered until we meet again.