The Future You

Photo by Edu Carvalho on

Recently, I’ve been hearing more and more young people complaining about their aches and pains. Now, that I’m approaching my 50’s and coming in hot, I thought I would address this particular issue from my perspective.

So, let’s begin by doing a little experiment. I want you to go and find your favorite spot on the couch. The spot where you go to melt into the fabric and become one with the couch. Now, get all settled in with your book or movie. Cover yourself up with the soft, fluffy, lavender-meadow or campfire-spruce, smelling blanket. Aaahhh, isn’t that nice? Now, GET UP!!! If you can go from your lying or sitting position in 0 to 5 seconds without maneuvering one way or another, scooting, grunting or needing to grasp the armrest for extra ooooomph…you are still in what I’m going to call the  “foreplay” of the pain in life.”

During my 20’s and 30’s, I experienced much discomfort which I chalked up as “pain.” Ha! For you youngin’s out there, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Those first initial aches are like Braxton Hicks contractions during pregnancy. They’re just uncomfortable enough to get your attention but honey, you ain’t felt nothing yet! See, those aches in your 20’s and 30’s eventually are over-taken with multiple other pains in spots you didn’t even know you had. They come in at a quantity and speed which actually render the initial “foreplay pains”, null and void. Haha!

Getting old isn’t for the weak! Have you ever asked an elderly person, how they are doing? Let me guess, they broke it down for you by muscle, joint and/or body function. Ha! They aren’t wrong! We may laugh, giggle and joke about their responses. We may even think of them as the weaker being. I personally think it’s quite the opposite. I think they are the strong ones! They get up every day knowing they are going to be fighting their own bodies doing the simplest of tasks. Yet, they get up and do it!

If you are blessed enough to live a long life, know…there will come a time when your body will fail you. But, take heart. This will be your time to shine! The baton will have switched hands and you will be the one able to talk up all your dysfunctional limbs, organs and body parts to the young. Isn’t it going to be great! For me, there will be NO detail withheld from any and all who may ask, how I am? I’m particularly looking forward to when I get the “elderly pass” to release the gases within, out loud with no conscience, while leaving a trail of silver glitter. Wink! It’s just a puff and a blow away. Are you ready?

Admission of an Inaccurate Oversight Continued…

Photo by Pixabay on

…….In my last post I was discussing my most favorite doctor visit of all time! It included a hospital ball gown (ooh la la), my full exposure (*mild alarm sound*), a handsome medical student (*comic shriek*) and a peeker inner (ZOINK).

Ok, so let’s see. When I left you I was eating humble pie. The doctor and I made a plan of attack for my ailing female parts. The nurse, the med student and all staff members had exited the exam room. Alas, Alas! I had the room all to myself! It was me, just mealone— with my own thoughts and my own parts. All I had left to do was tidy up, get dressed and do the, “please don’t remember what my parts look like — walk” down the hall. So, as soon as I heard the latch of the door click shut, I was off that table at full throttle! I dismantled that gown like wildfire and headed to the counter of goodies where they keep the handy-dandy wipes, and if your lucky, the safety suckers. Oh boy, did I deserve a sucker that day! I grabbed what I needed and began the cleaning process trying to wipe away any and every remnant of bodily fluid I could find in “that” general vicinity. During the cleaning process, I did some self-talk in hopes of reclaiming any shred of dignity I had left before walking out the door. But before I could get my pants on, I felt something funny. I began having some interesting tingly sensations, as in burning and irritation, in the area of latest concern. I thought, hmmmm… well, this is new! I thought about it for a second and realized I must have been a little aggressive while cleaning the Brown’s Bakery and Confection Connection. I finished getting dressed and did the walk of shame down the hall to the door, doing my best not to make any direct eye contact with any of the staff members. Ufft! I did it! I reached the exit door. I flung that bad boy open with one push (Insert song: “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music” – from The Sound Of Music) and didn’t look back! As far as my wounded parts, they continued to show signs of irritation but again I chalked it up to the scouring and spit shine process that had taken place after my exam. The discomfort only lasted a few hours.

Now, fast forward several months to a day when I was cleaning at work.

Let me stop and go into a little bit of a background here. I work at a dental office. I love my job. I especially love interacting with our patients. There are times when answering the phone and checking in patients is also accompanied by cleanliness and safety concerns. Dental offices deal with certain individuals who do not hesitate to hand off their dentures, broken crowns or individual teeth into your bare hands like their a piece of yummy candy. They aren’t thinking of the blood, bodily fluids, bodily tissues, mucous membranes or broken skin that could cause others disease and sickness. Disclaimer: OSHA, highly frowns upon the passing on of bloodborn diseases and such. Ha! My advice to you, do not extend a hand in a dental office without knowing what lies in the hand of the another. Head nods, fist bumps and a thumbs up are all acceptable in replacement of hand shakes. 😉 Mouth parts and pieces are not the only things one has to encounter at a dental office; certain treatments are required on certain individuals on the daily. So, after these treatments and when patients are ready to leave the office, we find that some of them are not in complete control of their cheeks, lips and gums. And while in this state, bodily fluids and saliva can escape the perimeter of their lips and make contact on surfaces throughout the facility. This is where my coworkers and I come in. Dunt Da Da Da! Capes on, we grab the cleaning wipes and wipe down all surfaces that could have made contact with patient X’s ejected drizzle.

Now, getting back to my story. As I was cleaning and disinfecting after a spittle episode, I realized a strange familiarity and smell to the wipes I was using. Now, mind you these wipes are not just any wipes. These are the super duper, very concentrated chemical wipes that will kill anything they touch. Hence, gloves must be worn when using them. On their container description is a WARNING explaining the possibility and concern for causing cancer. Holy Mary Mother of God! The room became very small and spinny! A flash back to months ago races through my mind as I saw the coloring on the container I pulled from the counter. At that precise moment in time, I realized I had grabbed the wrong wipes on the counter at the clinic that glorious, PAPpy, day . Being so frazzled by the happenings of my exam and in the midst of the excitement of the appointment ending, I had inadvertently grabbed the wrong wipes! NO WONDER MY HONEY POT WAS HOT AND BURNING! I was destroying ALL the good bacteria because of my scouring crusade. Oh, bother!

I must tell you. I have since noticed while at my doctors visits that these certain wipes are not as accessible to the public as before. In fact, they have been removed from the countertop and replaced with these HUGE gentle body cleansing wipes. Now, one can only assume that I was not the only victim of this discreditable charade. However, I am the only one shameless enough to tell all of you about my accidental yet amusing misfortune. So, friends, learn from me. It’s not just the rays spilling out from the microwave when warming up your day old meatloaf or the methane cow farts causing global warming and cancerous fumes, it’s the disguised toxic wipes placed strategically next to the “SUCKERS” at the doctors office that will catch you by surprise and leave you wiser and exposed!